Strange & Charmed

At the start of quarantine there was a popular video challenge making its way around the internet in places like Instagram and Tiktok, in which a parent would leave their young child alone with a bowl of candy or some sweet treat for a short period of time and record how the child reacted while the parent was away. It was a cute challenge and in most of the videos I saw the kids were able to wait for the parent to return to get their treat. So obviously this was a popular challenge because cute kids seeming to have self control, I imagine it made the parents feel good about their kids to see they were obedient, but every time I watched one of these videos I cringed a little bit because this challenge wasn’t actually an indicator of the childs self-control mechanism, in fact, it was what I would say was a poor knock off of a real life series of experiments that have come to be known as a real indicator of future success and self-control in children.

So I want to talk about that experiment today, the parameters of what it was about and how the results of that experiment have taught researchers a lot about the importance of self-control or delayed gratification as a predictor of future success and productivity.

First, let’s start with the real life experiment that I think in the inspiration for that self-control Tiktok challenge. It was known as the Marshmallow test and if you are curious to learn more there is a book you can read all about it, called The Marshmallow Test. My OG followers may remember, I read this book I believe back in 2017 and I did find it fascinating.

Okay, so the first thing you should know about this experiment is the parameters of how the testing was done. Roughly speaking here, what they did was took young children (and they experimented with a variety of ages) and put them in a room where a researcher, NOT their parent- this is kind of important- offers them a single marshmallow on a plate. In different renditions of this test it was chocolates or other candy or treats, but the original test was a single marshmallow. The child is offered the marshmallow freely, but before they accept it, a condition is offered to them. If they can wait alone in that room for the researcher to come back in 5 mins, if they do not eat the marshmallow, they will get two!

So, the test is about instant gratification vs delayed gratification, in a situation where there is a clear benefit for exerting self-control, and yet, there is no negative pressure associated with them eating the single marshmallow immediately. I think this is an important difference that the Tiktok challenge missed. One because it was a parent or guardian who was giving them the direction of “Do not eat this until I come back”– which was a pressure by someone they love and trust, as opposed to an offer of you can have one now or two later, it’s your choice, do what you think is best. So, in the true experiment the child is being asked to make the decision, not simply follow the direction of their parent.

Now, that was just the first part of the marshmallow test, because the most important information that experiment gathered was not how many kids ate the marshmallow and how many waited for two- but rather, the researchers followed up with those same children years later into adulthood to see how successful of a person they became and there was a very strong correlation between the children who waited for the second marshmallow and who were successful in life, vs the children who didn’t have the impulse control were far more likely to have made a string of unsuccessful life decisions in the future.

Now, I have no intention of diving deep into the metrics, if you are curious, definitely read the book, they go into amazing statistics and demographics, but the point I want to focus on that was learned from the experiment is that self-control, delayed gratification, impulse control- that is the most significant factor that goes into the general success and productivity of a person in the future.

And this is a belief I have seen work out in my own life and in the lives of others I have been close to. Speaking for myself, I clearly see how my ability to distinguish between and frequently choose between actions that would bring me either short term gratification or long term gratification have been the key to success in my life and the key to my productivity.

For me to be able to choose over and over to take action on my plans and do the work, when perhaps I could easily be distracted by other more immediate or more instantly gratifying activities is absolutely why I am where I am in life. And this manifests itself in a number of ways.

To give some examples:

• The choice to stay in and do my college work instead of go out partying
• The choice to develop a side hustle while I also had a 9 to 5 and use my free time to work instead of play or relax
• The choice to save money, to intentionally live on less so that I could save more, instead of shopping all the time.
• The choice to execute on the tasks I lay out for myself in my plans as opposed to focus on something else or watch Netflix
• The choice to eat the healthy meal as opposed to getting take out

All these little choices, almost micro decisions we make on a day to day basis, when you are choosing from a place of being very clear on what the short term benefit is vs the long term benefit, if you choose that long term benefit more often, you are going to be in a better position in the future. It’s about making a short term sacrifice so you have an even greater outcome in the future.

And I feel like self-control or delayed gratification isn’t always discussed so much in the topic of productivity. And I can understand why because it’s a hard factor to account for. People often ask me how I get myself to do things, and I have shared different hacks to help trick your brain, or develop routines or how to bribe yourself into stick to your plans. All of these tactics are simply ways to get you to control yourself and your decisions.

So, I want to lay out a method for you that is simple, but by no means going to be easy to execute.

If you believe you struggle with impulse control or delayed gratification- if you see that you too often choose the option with the short term benefit to the detriment of long term plans and outcomes, this is my suggestion for you.

First, before you make the choice itself, you need to be self-aware and mindful that a decision point is happening. I think for many of you, you experience this feeling, likely has a sense of concern or anxiety. You know you are being faced with a choice that may temporarily derail or delay progress towards a long term outcome you desire.

So, when you get this feeling, you need to force yourself to pause. You need to stop what you are doing and get quiet inside your own mind to work out the choice.

I think this is often the first mistake people make is that they get the feeling that they were making a bad choice but instead of stopping for a moment to consider it, they bulldoze right through it. And I get why- because sometimes you are in a situation where there is a level of chaos around you. Easy example of this is your choosing dinner for the night and your kids are screaming that they want pizza- I can imagine it’s hard to be mindful in that moment. But it’s important to find a way to pause, even if you have to run to the bathroom and chill for a minute to get clear on making the right choice.

Okay, so once you are paused, you need to look at each option. Option 1 is the option that will bring you a short term benefit and option 2 is the one that will give you long term success. When you stop, you need to literally spell it out for yourself what each option is and why. So option 1 is to lay on the couch and watch a movie because you are tired and would like to relax, but option 2 is to sit back at your desk and write that article for the blog you always wanted to start. What happens to you if you choose option 1? You get to relax, sure, but you also yet again delay work on that project you really wanted to start. What happens to you if you choose option 2? You actually accomplish something you’ve been wanting to do but you might be very tired later or the next day. Which would you regret more? That’s a key question to ask yourself. I don’t like to dwell on regret or what might have been, but in this situation, if you are someone who chooses instant gratification or short term wins over long term ones, you very likely deal with a sense of regret a lot. It’s probably taken a toll on your confidence and self-esteem to some extent.

Okay, so you get to that choice point, you pause, you stop to evaluate your options and then you choose. That choice point could be an excellent opportunity for you to reach out to someone like an accountability buddy or someone who is aware of your objectives and struggle, to get their feedback. I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I want to buy something and I think it might be an impulse purchase I will often tell on myself by asking the opinion of someone I know will say not to buy it. But eventually the choice has to be made, so hopefully this pause gave you time to reflect on the better choice, and hopefully you made the better choice. If you didn’t, if you choose poorly, the final step to this process is to forgive yourself and remember this situation for future reference. Perhaps you can keep a page in your planner dedicated to recalling these situations for future, or maybe you can write it out on the notes app of your phone, or perhaps you have a conversation with a trusted person that you can reach out to in the future when faced with the same situation and hopefully they will jog your memory. Because sometimes I think it’s easy for us to forget. In fact, I know this is true. The human brain is a wonderful machine that often forces us to forget important information, like that we made a poor choice in the past, so that we can live with ourselves. So, if you can find a way to document the experience, I think that will go along way to helping you remember and helping you to reflect in the future when faced with a similar choice.

The last thing I want to say about this whole process though, is that something you will notice if you start this process and start making more of those better long term decisions, is that it will actually become easier for you each time. There is a certain momentum and confidence that comes from being aware of the decisions we make and why and how they are positively impacting our lives. So, the more you make those better choices, the more you are stepping into the reality that you are a more put together, successful person who does what they say they are going to do. And there is a tremendous amount of powerI believe in being able to honestly say, I am someone that gets things done. I am someone who can trust my choices, I am someone who knows how to make good choices for myself. Building that momentum, will bring you to that mindset and ultimately that mindset completely changes a persons life. So, expect big things from this shift.

Well, that is everything I wanted to share with you about self-discipline and success and productivity. I hope you found this information interesting and of course actionable. I would love to hear your thoughts and how this process works for you once you are able to give it a try.

Best wishes for a productive week ahead!

xoxo,